Hello friends, it’s BOB here: the happy-go-lucky labrador who lives with Tom and Kate. Today I am here to tell you about BSCAD. What is BSCAD, I hear you ask? Well, BSCAD is an acronym, which stands for the Bob scale of Scavenging, Chaos, Anarchy and Disaster, and to understand it you may need a bit of BOB backstory.
Now, although I am a delightful and obliging household companion, and despite the fact that I really do try to behave like A VERY GOOD BOY, sometimes my inherently anarchic, scavenging nature simply gets the better of me. When this happens, the results are often given a BSCAD ranking by Tom and Kate. BSCAD operates on a scale of 1-10, and its numerical assignations are frequently the matter of debate. For example, a few weeks ago, I joyfully hijacked a picnic that had been kindly organised for local churchgoers by Mairi, our next door neighbour. Encountering the picnickers sitting down to eat their lunch, I immediately leapt in a nearby river, shook myself all over them, and took advantage of the confusion to steal Ken’s lunch directly out of Ken’s lunchbox. My younger brother, BRAN, was deeply impressed – by my deployment of the river ruse, as well as the keen stealth and efficiency I displayed in pursuit of Ken’s ham sandwiches – but sadly Ken did not share his good opinion. Depending on your view of sandwiches as human property, and whether you regard my actions as mere theft or wanton destruction, this incident would probably be assigned a BSCAD ranking of 3 or 4.
Incidents like the picnic, then, rank fairly low down on the BSCAD scale, but you’ll get a sense of what a higher ranking might involve when I describe the incident which occurred a couple of years ago during Kate and Tom’s Very First Holiday after the long, weird, quiet times that are referred to as THE PANDEMIC. On this memorable occasion, I was so excited at seeing the lovely sea again, that I rolled in a dead seal, consumed a mountain of rotting fish (along with half the beach), joyfully regurgitated my delicious meal all over the holiday cottage, and then cut my feet open on something sharp when Tom insisted that I wash myself off in the sea. The so-called “holiday” was over in less than two hours, and Tom and Kate can laugh about it now, although they did not do so on the return drive. Because this incident involved the end of a holiday alongside an emergency visit to the vet, Kate still insists it ranks as a 10 on the BSCAD scale, But did the cottage burn to the ground? No. Was serious harm caused to anyone – human or canine? No – my feet healed up quickly and all was well. I said at the time, and I continue to say, that I, BOB, always do my best to be a VERY GOOD BOY. But despite my best efforts, I do admit that anarchy, chaos and near disaster have a tendency to happen when I’m around, particularly when I’m in scavenging mode.
I shall now tell you about last week’s incident, which Kate insists, much like Nigel Tuffnel’s amplifier, has exceeded the BSCAD scale and has been assigned a mighty score of 11. After an intense month packing knitwear and advent calendars, Tom and Kate had treated themselves to a short break in this wee haven, which reminds them of where they spent their honeymoon (designed by the same architect, in fact) and which also happens to be located in one of their favourite parts of the world (Kintyre). I also enjoy Kintyre, for many of the same reasons as Tom and Kate, not least because it is where the best beaches in all Scotland happen to be located.
In Kintyre, brother BRAN and I enjoy leaping and swimming . . .
. . . retrieving interesting projectiles, thrown by Tom and Kate . . .
. . . .and generally enjoying the glorious SEA, which rivals BANANAS as my favourite thing.
One day, I was leaping and swimming in the waves so vigorously that I managed to lose the fancy blue collar that has my name and phone number on it.
The loss went unobserved at first, but with careful investigation of the photographs that Kate had been taking that afternoon, Tom was able to identify the moment the collar disappeared to 15:11. . . .
. . . . when these two photographs were taken. We all searched around the beach for a while, among the tideline and the spindrift, but my blue collar was not found.
I wasn’t too sad about this. For without my blue collar I, BOB, could run NAKED, wild, and free!
Once returned to my natural, naked state, do you suppose I am more inclined to be GOOD BOY BOB? or freewheeling, scavenging ANARCHO-BOB? Do you imagine that, when I discover a delicious rotting aubergine on the beach, I will listen to Kate when she blows the whistle, or simply ignore her and quickly consume it?
The loss of my blue collar and my defiant consumption of the rotten aubergine probably only ranks as as a 1 or 2 on the BSCAD scale, but perhaps the appearance of naked anarcho-BOB should have given Tom and Kate forewarning of what was to happen the following day. . . .
Kate had gone to a meeting with some nice folk to discuss an exciting project to establish local wool processing, so Tom took BRAN and I to an interesting place we had never been before. In this place there were lots of trees, and I was very happy, as I really enjoy foraging and rootling in a wood. There’s a lot of food that can be scavenged in a wood, but this food mysteriously appears and disappears depending on that thing that humans refer to as SEASONS. BLACKBERRY season is one of my favourites, and I was rather sad this year when it seemed that it had been by superseded by ACORN season (which is frankly far less exciting), but imagine my joy when I discovered a bush laden with tasty, juicy, round black berries that looked very much like one of my favourite scavengable woodland fruits! I set to work immediately.
Tom, whose enjoyment of a wood in autumn involves being busy with his camera, was arrested in his activities by a kindly and knowledgeable gentleman who informed him that “your dog is eating deadly nightshade.”
A swift visit with Doctor Google informed Tom that the berries of this plant were indeed highly poisonous to dogs, and this discovery was followed by a speedy drive to a vets in a nearby town, where both I and brother BRAN were issued with emetics, the latter on the grounds that he had been with me in the location where I had discovered my woodland smorgasbord, and Tom could not be entirely sure whether or not he too had partaken of its delights. The emetics revealed that while goody-four-paws BRAN had not eaten a single nightshade berry, I, BOB, was well on the way to consuming a whole dog full. You’ll also be pleased to know that the aubergine made a second appearance, much to the vet’s consternation.
BRAN’s horror at experiencing entirely needless veterinary treatment was almost matched by Kate’s when she discovered the cost of the treatment, alongside the truly terrifying nature of the near-disaster, which had been averted by the kindly gentleman, Tom, and the local vet.
Because it involved the ingestion of a deadly poison, Kate has assigned the nightshade incident a BSCAD score of 11. In this instance I’m happy to agree with her.
The next day, Kate and Tom continued to walk on the beach in the thin, November sunlight. Brother BRAN and I returned to the beach, and played with Molly and Poppy, our new friends.
And happily, all was well.
I do my best. I really do try to be a VERY GOOD BOY.
But keep your eye out for ANARCHO BOB!
Kate adds: grateful thanks to the kindly gentleman and the equally kindly vet in Lochgilphead. This is our first (and hopefully our last) encounter with deadly nightshade in a wood in Scotland: and if you are the owner of a dog of a comparably scavenging nature to BOB, I urge you to look out for it!
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This article is filled with humorous and charming anecdotes about BOB’s mischievous adventures. It’s heartwarming to see the love and care BOB receives from Tom and Kate, even in the face of chaos. The author’s storytelling is engaging and enjoyable to read.
Ahhh BOB…I have had the magical throwing up treatment at the vet’s, too. One time at the park I ate a whole sleeve from a jacket and then cheerfully threw it up at the vet! Another time I ate some raw sewage out of the stream (a whole shoebox full). Love, RUSTY
p.s. My humans are going to implement the BSCAD*R scale for my misadventures as well. I shall try my hardest to keep standards high here in Hertfordshire. :)
Such days push us to laugh vs cry….it’s a great life if you don’t weaken🌞
We also own an Anarchic Scavenger of a Lab, named Satchmo. To date the four worst scavenges were a full pound of raw cocoa nibs, five pounds of a neighbors compost, an unspecified number of Amanita mushrooms, and 3 feet of cling film. The first three were, er, recovered with emetics, but the cling film had to be surgically removed (and we immediately replaced the trash can with one with an even more secure lid)
I feel your pain
Oh my goodness, Bob. You are a true Lab, hoovering everything up. Thank goodness Bran has not learned these bad habits! (I am not entirely convinced that you are trying to be a VERY GOOD BOY, as you say…) Poor Bran, having to go through the indignity of an emetic, when he was a good boy.
I’m very glad Bob survived this adventure. Lucky boy!
We have a master scavenger Labrador but thankfully he is discerning and will only go for ‘recognised foods’. It is bizarre. If we have given him a food, he will thereafter eat it. Venison treat led to an incident with a stinky 3 week old deer carcass in the woods, nom nom nom. Whereas the large asparagus bed in the open part of our garden remains untouched by the mouth of dog – as we have never given him a piece. Made the dumb mistake of introducing him to plums though – and that was our expensive trip to the vets as he hadn’t worked out that you need to spit out the stones. Lesson learned, he now eats the flesh and leaves the stones. Hope Bob has learnt the lesson and will associate the smell of deadly nightshade with an unpleasant experience.
ah, that familiar smell of decaying deer . . .
Apart from the Nightshade I laugh and laughed. Those Labs!!!
What a beautiful photo in the eye of bob. Do not know how you managed, but I am very impressed. It is a wonderful achievement.
We have a Kelpie puppy Murphy who reached a 7 on the Bob scale after stealing handmade chocolates from a suitcase being packed for a Scotland holiday to visit our 94 year old Aunt. Unwrapped the package perfectly and consumed 250gms of dark chocolate. Similarly an after hours vet visit, emetics and sent home with charcoal and a $750 bill! Murphy none the worse for it. Aunt was suitably impressed with the $750 replaced chocs a week later!
Oh dear !
Sounds just like our beautiful Golden Retriever Dara – she is so greedy and can sniff out a meal anywhere ! Also living by a beach Dara finds lots of lovely rotting nibbles !!!
Happy to say she hasn’t had to have emergency treatment at a vets – yet ! But there has been a near case when she she ate disguarded fish bait complete with line and hooks ! Fortunately I lunged quickly and grabbed the line holding hooks before she swallowed and my husband prized her mouth open !
She’s our 4 th Retriever and tge greediest yet 10/10 .
Do love her though .
Lovely like your two beautiful dogs
My husband recently warned two adult humans not to eat the berries they were so eager to try. Just in time! Yes! Deadly nightshade.
your husband is clearly also a kindly gentleman!
Sorry Bob I wholeheartedly agree with the scoring that Tom and Kate give you. I am not convinced you are trying hard enough to be a good boy. Remember the Andrew Wyeth book? How could you.
On a more serious note my brothers in law lost a very good pedigree calf to woody nightshade that appeared after they laid a hedge.
Your story did make us laugh though.
Tom isn’t convinced either
It’s a good job you’re gorgeous Bob! :)
Ah, Nigel Tuffnel’s amplifier; one of cinema’s finer moments! Glad Bob is doing well and still engaging in anarchy.
Thank you! Perhaps there is hope for my little puppy, as she is a Weapon of Mass Destruction, trying out her new adult teeth! I am laughing and now realize that I will dwell on the good, instead of worrying whether she is going to be a “doglinquent”. All the best to you all.
Sounds like you have a very adventurous, curious pet who keeps you on the alert. Never a dull moment. Very entertaining for your reading audience but probably extremely frightening for you.
I’m so glad both Bob and Bran survived their encounter with the deadly nightshade – but the rest of this post did make me laugh, Bob is a real character and I hope we hear more from him in the future,
Love to hear about Bob, sorry for all his kerfuffling!
Bob,
So how many times have you watched Spinal Tap?
When I was a teen my Mum had a spaniel that was a champion scavenger. Fortunately his scavengings ‘merely’ ran to blackberries, cow pats, an old hat, my sisters specially orthopaediacaly (Sp?) corrected new shoes, and anything else he could get his teeth round.
Fortunately for him, and us, the only Nightshade growing locally was Woody Nightshade – also toxic, but not deadly – pretty though, both the potato-like flowers and the shiny green/yellow/red berries.
you remind me to have a sense of humour when my retriever does things like this. Once mine swallowed a whole leash! Thanks for writing this.
These things happen to my retriever and I get so upset. He is a perpetual goof. Once he swallowed a whole leash! Still they do try to please. Thanks for writing this. It reminded me to have a sense of humour about our dog
Oh, Bob! Tragedy averted, thank heavens. I appreciate your all-ranging appetite, but some things are meant to be left undisturbed.
Kate and Tom, I too have known the alarm of a mad dash for emergency veterinary services. Our now-departed Rudy was caught in the act of eating rat poison (in public places, not our own or friends’ property) not once but TWICE. Treated promptly, he took no harm, but our own nerves took much longer to recover.
I couldn’t help but laugh hysterically while reading your post as I too have 2 hunting dogs (Vizsla). They are rambunctious, challenging and forever finding ways to get in trouble much like your Bob. They also are wonderful companions which more than makes up for the occasional mishaps (okay maybe more than occasional). I love your dog stories and Bob is certainly a very good boy. Look forward to reading more.
Well, labs will eat anything 🤷♀️
Ah – BOB – a mostly very good dog!
How awful! Glad the B-Boys both made it through unscathed. I thought my Border Collie, Brig, was a handful, but after reading of Bob’s adventures I am grateful that we have never been above a 5 on the BSCAD. (The acronym works well for my furry agent of chaos, too!)
So glad the dogs are fine! That was a narrow squeak!
Oh Bob you are such a bundle of fun! Thank heavens for the nice gentleman who spotted your munching, please stay away from the scary berries in future. Poor Kate and Tom must have been beside themselves with worry!
Jeepers! That was a major close call. Bob, you were very, very fortunate that time. Please don’t press your luck, but hope you and yours will have many future adventures.
Frances
“You’ll also be pleased to know that the aubergine made a second appearance”! :)
To anyone whose dog, child or else is prone to eating natural stuff without consulting someone first, this expert group is an invaluable resource: https://www.facebook.com/groups/144798092849300 (Please read the rules!)
I recently came across this observation… “The fastest mammal in the land is a dog who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” Ha! So true!
Alternatively, my 2 year old English Springer Spaniel immediately picks up a toy in his month and gives me a very innocent look as if to say “what a silly question, it’s my toy”.
That was indeed a lucky escape, Bob. You should really really curb your scavenging urges…. As a former mom to two labradors, I know that these urges are very difficult to control. Thankfully, the kind gentleman did appear when he did!
My previous dog (rest his soul) was a scavenger. This is a funny/not-funny story and I nodded with sympathy and recollection. Those doggo emetics work really well!
When I have clicked on the links to your posts in the last two emails, I get a blank page. No idea what’s changed or why this is happening. Please help!
I’m pleased to hear that Bob survived his gorging of Deadly Nightshade. Has he read the Oh No George book by Chris Haughton (a child’s book)? His tale immediately reminded me of the book – it is a big favourite with the grandchildren, parents and grandparents.
As soon as I saw that photo, I knew it was Nightshade! (Common in my part of the world.) Thankfully, crisis (and death!) averted, despite the cost. Bob is indeed an anarchist, but at least self-reflecting and amusing whilst he wreaks havoc!